dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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