Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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