A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
