I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
