I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
