1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
