drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
