Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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