My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
