hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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