I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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