I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
