I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
