it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
