Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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