I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
