guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
