i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
