Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize