That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
