I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
