Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
