she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
