btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
