Betty ford says i'm here all night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
