I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
