Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
