At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
