God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
