I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize