I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
