Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
