Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Randomize
