I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
