So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
