btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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