I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
