I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
3pm strippers are depressing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
