well I can't set my house on fire every night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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