this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
