So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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