with your own penis?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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