so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
