do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
