chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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