when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
