my sisters under your porch take her home
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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