my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
