he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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