oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
