id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
