i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
ttyl tear gas
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize