I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you had me at cake vodka
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
