never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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