i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
