The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
