my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
