I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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