if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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