The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
